Friends

Its been quiet in my world lately.  My wife is nearing the end of her pregnancy and she is tired, sore, and often times napping.  I have found myself thinking that it would be nice to have a close friend to keep me company during a few recent evenings.  I am not completely friendless, but previous weeks have led me to think about the people I’ve known and called friends in the past.

My wife and sister have amazed me with their ability to keep in touch with people.  They both communicate regularly with people they went to high school with regardless of distance.  On the other hand I feel like I’ve recycled my friends since high school about a dozen times.  I am beginning to realize that my spouse and sibling aren’t weirdos for staying connected but perhaps there is something wrong with me.

Addicts are notorious people pleasers and I wouldn’t hesitate to place myself in that category.  I also tend to feel either inferior or superior to my peers.  This has historically made keeping friends a great challenge.  It is exhausting to constantly strive for approval from people and frightening to imagine what they might think of me based solely on the merits of my personality and character.  Its always been easier just to get new friends and start the cycle all over again.  Until now.

I’m getting older and starting a family.  I’m not in as many situations where I can meet a lot of people.  Most people I do meet aren’t looking to make new friends at this stage in their lives.  The only people in my circle that have known me for longer than five years are family members.  This is a side affect of an addictive mind that is not often discussed as being a damaging consequence.  My addictive mind was formed by sugar.

There is a glimmer of hope in the fact that I don’t find being solely in my own company nearly as unbearable or soul crushing as it used to.  Being alone used to require a drink or a drug or junk food.  I used to go to any lengths to find a crowd to hang out with and I usually did.  Ironically I can remember these being some of the lonliest times.

475.3

A few days ago I accompanied my wife to a doctor’s appointment to check up on our soon to be born twin girls.  While we were waiting to check out I took the chance to weigh myself on an unattended nearby scale since I’m too heavy for conventional bathroom scales.  I was quite dismayed at the result which is also the title of this post.  Being that it also came more than 40 days since I quit eating sugar and began exercising regulary it is quite concievable that I would have tipped the scales at 500 pounds when I wrote my first post in this blog.

How can that be?  I know that I am heavier than I have ever been, but I had not imagined numbers nearly as staggering as what I found myself staring down a few short days ago.  I didn’t even deem it possible to be 500 pounds and still be walking around going about my business.  When people throw around those kinds of numbers I envision h0spital beds and IV’s.

When I saw what I saw on the scales digital display that day I was immediately disheartened and embarrased.  I quickly zeroed the scale before anybody could see what most people probably already assume just by looking at me.  The shameful feelings I felt came natuarally but not rightfully.  Our society paints the obese in a manner that ultimately questions their self control and self respect.  We are told that we are fat because we got lazy, give up to easily, and don’t try hard enough.  Weight loss and keeping yourself fit is treated much more like a vanity issue than a health issue which allows the media to indirectly pass judgement on fat people with out much backlash.

Even now that I firmly believe with all I am that my weight and my shape are not my fault I am still filled with the same negative feelings toward myself that I have been programmed to emote since I was very young.  The thing that people don’t understand about obesity is that it is only a symptom, it is not the disease.  Ask a yo-yo dieter how successful they have been at treating the symptom of being too fat for great periods of time.  The disease of sugar addiction is the root cause for me and many many others who are often led astray even by their doctors.

It is not our fault.  We are not weak minded or lacking discipline.  We are sick and suffering from a disease.  As unsightly as I may look, it doesn’t compare to the damage going on inside my body.  Hypoglycemia, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and cancer are some of the very real risks facing the obese.  We just don’t see those things when we look at them.  Too often even I am guilty of just seeing a weak minded, lazy, sloppy soul with no self respect.

As miserable and unconvenient as it is to be obese, I am willing to wager that most people who suffer from the condition have tried very hard to change it.  Whether it be because they found it hard to move, hard to fit in cars or chairs, hard to be confident and outgoing, or hard to be snickered at and ridculed.  When somebody weighs 500 pounds it is not because that person doesn’t want to stop eating and lose weight, it is because he or she cannot.

A Penny Earned

It is my birthday today for another half an hour anyway.  Not according to WordPress however since they always cut my days short, but I guess it isn’t all that important.  I did some birthday shopping over the weekend and found out or became reminded of the fact that anything worth having is more expensive than can be afforded even in celebration of my birthday.  This being the case I bought a couple of new tires for my car which seemed practical enough but not exciting.

Throughout the course of my shopping excursion I did think about how I used to spend money.  I just surpassed $1000 saved since quitting chewing tobacco last December but most of that was inevitably blown on fast food, soda, and sugar filled snacks with the exception of this past month.  I can remember the days of spending just about every dollar I came across earned or otherwise on beer, weed, and nicotine.

I sometimes wonder what the grand total would come to if I were to add up every penny wasted on sugar, booze, drugs, cigarettes, and chewing tobacco.  Probably I’d have a nice chunk of change to invest in things that might actually appreciate in value.  How much would you pay someone to kill you?  I’m guess I’m glad nobody was keeping track since the answer to that question would be seriously depressing.

Its a wonder society accepts the existence of so many products laced with addictive chemicals masterfully marketed to hook us quickly and deviously seperate people, especially the poor, from every last penny that isn’t nailed down.  I don’t miss tearing my car apart, diving into couch cushions, and scrounging for bottles to take back to the store because I need a fix of whatever.

The only thing I buy on a regular (weekly) basis now are groceries and gas for my car.  I used to be in a convenience store on a daily basis feeding one addiction or another.  I’ve worked at a couple of such stores as well and waited on the same people day after day.  If you take a quick mental inventory of whats inside ANY convenience store I doubt you’ll be thinking of anything that could require a daily visit that isn’t extremely unhealthy and/or deadly.  Can anybody say pay at the pump?

Living to Eat and Eating to Live

I used to live to eat.  My diet was based on what tasted best to me.  The only problem is that my taste buds had been hijacked by sweets and other less than nutritious dishes that are now difficult for me to classify as “food”.  I am not a picky eater and like many vegetables, fruit, lean protein, and other healthy options but none of it ever appealed to me when I was hooked on pizza, fast food, and sweets.

I know now that eating refined sugar, white flour, and other refined foods actually caused me to crave the same over and over.  Day after day and hour by hour.  This occurs because these “foods” have been stripped of all nutritional value and act more like addictive drugs in a person’s system.

Since I’ve eliminated these foods from my diet I have been free to think about how I would like to eat to live.  I consider the life giving properties of just about everything I put in my mouth and a lot of so called health food is tasting better to me every day.

I never really saw how intertwined my life was with food until I changed the way I ate.  Seemingly every activity was performed with a snack or soda and the only fun outings I seemed to venture on revolved around or heavily incorporated eating.  Sometimes I get a bit ancy and anxious trying to fill the void and with good reason.  I’ve been living this way for the better part of thirty years.

I also find that whenever I am at school or in public places, it seems the norm to see people gorging themselves on junk food and soda pop.  The more reading and research I do on how the way we eat leads to disease, the more I am shocked that nobody seems to know or care.  While it is common knowledge that junk food in excess is bad for you, nobody seems to be aware how refined sugar and other unnutritious foods can be responsible for cancer among a whole host of other problems.

I had my gall bladder removed when I was 18 years old and weighed almost 400 pounds.  I do not recall any doctor ever telling me that the reason I had produced so many painful gall stones could be due to my poor diet and the sugar it contained.

Eat to live is a relatively new concept for me, but it is one that I can wrap my brain around.  It makes a lot of sense to me now, but you may have to break free from the grasp of a powerful addiction to see things my way.

Staying The Course

Yesterday I found out that one of the guys in my chewing tobacco quit group relapsed after 230 plus days nicotine free.  Aside from being hurt that he broke his commitment and threw everything away, I was also reminded of the tall order we face as addicts.  There is no cure for our disease and the best we can do is a daily reprieve.

The saddest thing is once your clear of the physical withdrawal and have learned how to live life without a substance, the decision to go back is 100 percent premeditated.  Once you’ve stepped away from the chaos and shackles of any addiction I know picking back up is something you have to literally psyche yourself up for.  Our minds are also up to that challenge much of the time.

I’ve found my dysfunctional brain trying to convince me that I could go and enjoy a drink or a dip of tobacco or a sweet treat on many occasions.  In fact I just had a dream last night that I had gone back to chewing tobacco.  I’m just not ready to give everything up yet I guess.  If I remain armed with the knowledge and firm belief that I am powerless against a substance, nothing in this world should be able to convince me to try and use it more successfully than I have in the past.  Today I am willing to go to any length to prevent the past from becoming my future.

Still I am but one case of bad judgement away from giving everything I’ve earned in the past few years away.  Maybe that will happen tomorrow, but not today.

Happy Trails July

We’ve reached the final day of July.  Perhaps the best July possible.  A sugar free July.  Improbable but not impossible.  In the midst of funerals, holidays, and birthdays.  Among friends, family, and strangers.  With a lot of support and encouragement as well as some misunderstanding discouragement.  I am proud to have shared this first sugarless month with you all.  I feel wonderful and my health is rapidly improving daily.  See you in August.

Arrested Development

I’ve recently spent a lot of time reflecting on all the pain I’ve swept under the rug over the years.  Lately I seem to be able to vividly recall all the disappointment, failure, rejection, and the range of emotions that accompany such things which are such a vital part of who I am today.  The dreams I never saw through, the girls who never loved me back, the friendships I gave up on, and numerous return trips to square one.

Many of these memories seem more clear and meaningful to me now than in the days when they were actually happening.  I had intentionally lost them in party crowds and bottles of beer.  They disappeared in marijuana and cigarette smoke.  Most of them, however, were soothed with what has come to be known as “comfort food” which is inevitably infested with refined sugar and flour.

I definitely suffer from arrested development as a result of my addictions.  They seek and destroy pain but they have also hidden so much of the world and me from myself.  People talk about drugs and alcohol having an aging effect on those that abuse them.  I think this is mostly due to the gap created between mind and body from the time the user becomes dependent until the time he or she stops.  When you enter recovery and look in the mirror you still feel like a kid but you are looking at a grown man or woman.  If your drug of choice is sugar, chances are you became addicted at a very young age and may find yourself dealing with an extremely large gap.

I am still very child like which isn’t always a bad thing.  I can get very excited about little things but I get noticably irritated if I don’t get my way.  I have an active imagination and curiosity, but I always want it to be play time.  I guess I’m a Peter Pan of sorts for the real world.  As I continue to relive the memories I thought were lost forever, perhaps I’ll grow up a little from the lessons I once ignored and come to cry the tears I never shed.

Steak, Potatoes, and Gratitude

I took my wife to Outback for dinner Sunday night and ordered a 14 oz. New York strip steak with a loaded baked potato on the side.  I probably overdid things slightly since I left completely stuffed and thats okay.  I was able to treat myself to a special meal out that didn’t have the least bit of refined sugar or white flour.  By the way it is almost midnight and I’m still satisfied from dinner and not in the least bit hungry.

When we used to go out I would inevitably end up getting the burger and fries entree preceeded by a deep fried appetizer and wash it all down with four to six glasses of soda.  I would leave the restaurant absolutely engorged with food and still be “hungry” enough to eat again before bed.  As much as I miss some of the food I’m not eating, I definitely enjoy eating now more than I ever have.

At the end I was constantly eating tons of fast food and downing enormous amounts of Coke when it didn’t even appeal to my sense of taste anymore.  I was incapable of taking much satisfaction out of eating anything at that point.  I would guess that I probably ate twice as much and only got a fraction of the nutrition I do from the way I eat now.  Oh and I was probably four times more miserable.

I actually notice what I eat now and enjoy much more variety.  Things are a lot less chaotic once a person actually stabilizes his or her blood sugar and gets a more accurate vision of how the human appetite works when it has not been hijacked by the surges and crashes caused by a sugar heavy diet.  Even better is the knowledge that I never have to go back to the unmanageability of how I used to eat if I don’t choose to.

Just One

The downfall of many an addict boils down to one critical moment.  This moment simply occurs when we convince ourselves that we can have just one.  One drink, one cigarette, one hit, or for the purposes of this particular blog, one delicious sugar filled treat.

Twelve step programs are adamant about the first step being the only one that has to be practiced to perfection every second of every day.  The first step says “We admitted we were powerless over (insert drug of choice here) and that our lives had become unmanageable.”  Upon believing that just one is an option, powerlessness goes out the window.

The key, I think, to avoiding this critical thinking error is in the second part of the first step.  If I am allowing myself to fall into the trap of a “just one” mentality, the only logical conclusion is that I have forgotten my unmanageability.  If I make a point to keep vivid mind pictures of what it was like to be ensnared by my addiction, it is relatively easy to convince myself in the moment that I don’t want to attempt a risky “just one” experiment.

The Anatomy of a Crave

Whose afraid of the big bad crave?  If you’ve ever started a diet and white knuckled your way into the afternoon only to give in to your dessert of choice, you know that cravings can be a bitch.  They have choked the life out of my best intentions to get myself healthy on countless occasions.  Eventually a person naturally gets beat down from all that failure and gives up.  Who wants to live a life wrapped in that painful self denial anyway?

Fortunately I’ve come to understand a thing or two about cravings.  Firstly the really scary, cripplingly strong, bad ass beefcake craves only last for around 72 hours.  You have taken away something your body and mind has come to expect regularly and therefore needs for “normal” operation.  Your suggestive control centers will begin blaring over the loudspeaker for you eat a damn doughnut already to right the mothership. 

Three days.  Granted they will undoubtedly be three very long days.  Unfortunately the cravings don’t magically disappear.  They do however become much more manageable.  The super tough mega crave gives way to his wimpy cousin and now will only last a minute or two.  The biggest challenge now is proving that you can do all the things you used to do with sugar, without it.  Can you watch a movie without a bucket of popcorn and jug of soda?  Can you get through the holidays without a cookie?  Will I be able to enjoy the game without grazing on hot wings and guzzling beer?

The bad news is that wimpy cousin crave will pop up every time you go through a first time without sugar experience.  The good news is he gets exponentially wimpier after you’ve ignored him and succesfully completed said experience sugar free.  I think its pretty cool and even fun to rewire my brain.  Sometimes I will even savor the action of not giving in to a craving because when that happens I am doing no less than breaking chains.